Valentine's Day Dating Rules

It’s that time of year again: Valentine’s Day. It’s the day where single women pretend like they’re okay with being alone, when they REALLY want to tear apart every red construction paper heart and punch couples ALL in their faces. It’s the day that men go into hiding, or if they can’t hide and were tricked into a relationship, they spend money on gifts and dinner, only to receive nothing in return. It’s the day that the women with valentine’s dates (the ones that tricked their men into relationships) try to downplay their impending dates to their single female friends, because they don’t want to be subjected to the single woman wrath, and get punched ALL in their faces. It’s the day that men and women alike are filled with emotions of happiness (women in relationships), sadness (single women & men in relationships), fear (the men in hiding), anger (the single women, again). It’s a day that is a cyclical torment for everyone, even women in relationships who have to be secretive about their Valentine’s Day plans.

  

All of the aforementioned exaggerations aside, I have put together a list of ‘V-Day Dating Rules’ to make everyone happy on this “joyous” day. With this list, I hope to put an end to the torment of Valentine’s Day, so that everyone can be happy.

So here we go:

VDAY DATING RULES

1.     Ladies with Dates: You need to give said dates a gift…and NO, a card does not count. It does not need to be expensive, just thoughtful. For my males, if she does not want to give you a gift, just grab the back of her neck, and…no, wait; that’s a domestic violence charge…Actually, just cancel Valentine’s Day altogether. Yes, I know I said this list was going to make everyone happy, but females in relationships have been happy long enough. She can be upset this one day…with her cheap ass self.

2.     Single Women: You just need to accept that that you are single, and that no one loves you (at least not in a Valentine’s Day-worthy capacity). No one should have to hide his or her relationship because you are unhappy and bitter. I mean, does everyone have to be dead inside because you are? Selfish.

3.     Speaking of cheap asses…Single Men: I’m going to need you to ask one of these single, angry women out on a date for Valentine’s Day. Stop complaining about how this day is for women; remember that for thousands of years we were (and still are) oppressed by you as a gender. So, if for one day, you have to shell out a little money to make a woman feel better about herself, that shouldn’t be hard thing to do…you oppressor.

4.     Everyone: Stop complaining about Valentine’s Day, and just accept that it is a commercial holiday that isn’t going anywhere. It’s one day. ONE DAY. So, if you are in a relationship, and you like Valentine’s Day, enjoy the hell of it. And if you are single, be mad at yourself, by yourself in a corner somewhere; no one is trying to entertain your depression because the very next day, V-Day would have passed. You have 364 more days to be depressed.

At the end of the day, I do not think that I have accomplished making anyone feel better about Valentine’s Day with this list…and frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn (and I’m too tired to care.)

Happy (Hopefully) Valentine's Day, Everyone!

~Daé, a Boss Beauty